Last ramadhan, a week before raya to be exact, I dreamt about my late abah. He looked very (there’s no words to describe it) pure, different and perfect. That was the face that i missed the most in years. The person who i haven’t see for the past 3 years. He was wearing white baju melayu and came to me with a sweet smile on his face. I was speechless . Not a single word came out from my mouth. I was in shocked, then I saw he was holding a set of white telekung. I asked him , "What is that abah?". He replied , " This is telekung. This telekung is for your mum. I love her so much and I miss her . I will wait for her". All of sudden I woke up , after realized that it was just a dream, and I cried and cried thinking about that the dream with a mixed feelings.
I really happy because he is perfect even though it just a dream. Months before he passed away, he lost his right leg from his knee below due to gangrene. It’s all because of foot massagers. What I know a diabetic person will loose his senses slowly. That happened to abah . First, his sight. He wasn’t able to see everything clearly. Then, his touch sense. He overused the foot massagers until his right feet blistered but he didn’t noticed it. Then days after, his right feet was starting to swell. The doctor said, " nothing serious. After you take your meds, you'll be fine". For God's sake, my father has a diabetic. How can she said such things? Days passed by. His right feet still the same and it was getting worse. Everyday my mum said that she will going to take him to the hospital , but refused every single time. We don’t blame him. If we put ourselves in his shoes, we'll do the same thing because we're afraid to know the truth especially if we have disease like diabetic. Until one day, mama noticed that his toe is turning into black. Only then he agreed to go to the hospital. So we went to the specialist, he told abah, that abah is suffering gangrene and his right feet needs to be amputate because they afraid the virus will spread to his lungs and his heart. That was the day that I will never forget for the rest of my life. The same thing goes to my family members. Everybody was so sad. But we tried not to show it in front of him. Mama told abah that we will be by his side forever, and asked abah to look at the bright side, if he refuse to undergo the operation, things might getting worse. He agreed, he was so cool about it. But after the operation, few hours after that, he finally woke up, he opened his eyes, looked at mama, then looked at us then his hands slowly run down to the blanket that covered his foot. Then he started to cry, all of us didn’t know what to do. And mama slowly whispered to abah, "sabarlah abah. ini semua dugaan untuk abah. ada hikmah. and we will always be by your side". Then all of us cried. We've reached the point where we couldn’t hold the tears anymore. It was so hard looking at a man who used to be an active teacher, now lying helpless on hospital bed. Words can’t describe how it was to abah. The first month, it was so hard for abah. He had to rely on wheelchair, if we went out together, some eyes was staring at him. We can tell by the look of their faces, some feel pitied, but some of them gave "oh-my-god-that-man-got-only-one-leg" stares. That kind of reaction had lowered his self-esteem. Then we told him, just let them be abah. Those people who looked at you with weird-disguise stares, they have third-class mentality. Those are idiots that can never understand other people problems. Months goes by, we celebrated Eid with him. It never crossed in my mind that it would be the last Eid we celebrated with him. No wonder why he was insisted to go back to his kampung and visited ALL his friends there even with his condition. He was very happy to meet them and gave every single one of them present and our family picture. Then after raya, I sat for SPM, during that time , abah was not feeling well . He was coughing continuously. I hadn’t spent time much with him during that time, I was too busy studying. How I regret it so much now. One night, I was studying for my last paper, Ekonomi Asas. It was 3am. He saw me, he said, "tidoq dayu . jangan asyik dok study sampai pagi. kena rehat sat. nanti blackout esok pagi". It was his last advice to me. 3days after I finished my SPM, abah condition was getting worse. 1st december 2007, He was coughing excessively, and he told mama that he couldn’t breathe, mama called all of us to go to the clinic. The doctor said he couldn’t breathe because his lungs is filled with water and mucus.So the doctor took out the water using the some-inhaler-machine. The after saw abah's condition became more stable, we went home. Few hours after that, abah condition was getting worse and worse, he said he couldn’t breathe. Everybody was panicked, mama said she gonna take abah straight away to the hospital. On our way to hospital, abah looked pale, and soffucated. Theres one point where he looked like he was gonna throw up. After that, abah didnt move at all. We tried to call him, abah! abah! no answer. Kaklong then checked his pulse. no. nothing. Abah's body was cold. We still brought him to the hospital where we hoped he was only passed out or unconscious. We rushed to the emergency unit, 10minutes later, medical staffs there came out and said," puan, bersabarlah ya. kami tak dapat selamatkan arwah. arwah dah meninggal semasa dalam perjalanan kesini.harap puan terima takdir ni dengan redha". All of us cried, still in shocked thinking what has happened just in a blink of an eye except for Ezzat, he was still small to understand everything. He was 8 at that time. But now whenever I ask him whether he misses abah, he says yes. Yes abah, not only ejat, but mama, kaklong and dayu miss you too. We miss your jokes, we miss to go vacation together, we miss your voice, we miss your advices, and we really miss your loves. Why did you go so soon? Don’t you love us anymore? Who will going to take care of us? Who is going to console mama when she is sad? Who is going to tell Ezzat about guy’s stuff or play a cricket with him? Who is gonna go to my graduation day when I graduate soon? Whos gonna argue with me again like you did? Abah, so many things you forget to show me how to do. And so much more I would to know from you abah. Abah , I miss you . and I m sorry for all the mistakes that I’ve done towards you. I tend to hurt the feelings of my loved ones. and you are the most. I’m sorry. Everytime I listen to Hurt by Christina Aguilera, it reminds me of you. I’m sorry abah. I’m sorry. Please forgive me for all the mistakes that I have done to you. I am hardly miss you.
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